How White People Get Hurt

Water Parks

 

White people have long since enjoyed the mid-summer's escape that is the water park.  There really is nowhere better for parents to take their ivory offspring, than a crowded, bacteria ridden island oasis, filled with other thrill seeking pale birds.

Somewhere in the lineage of brilliant white ideas came the water park.  Ah yes, the plot of land usually situated in a rural area (where the white species typically thrives) filled with poorly maintained, four-story high slides that lead into warm, stagnant, and usually unsupervised tubs of water.  Route to the top?  A 20 minute queue on egregiously unsupported, wet wooden stairs that feature the ability to sway in the slightest of breezes, with gaps in-between each step and loose railings.

Each park features one slide that challenges the laws of physics and has a name like "Shotgun Falls" or "The Plummet".  And upon a recent trip to one of these Aqua Orgies (with 7 drunk white friends, even safer!) I saw a small, unsupervised child, not larger than a medium sized backpack, preparing to take the plunge down one of these gravity rockets that guides riders, who must sit straight back with legs straight (not crossed!) and their hands behind their heads, who are  not (deep breath), pregnant, handicapped, disabled, fat, drunk, high, lactating, suffering from heart disease, midget, deaf, dumb, blind, or asian-  into a not quite deep enough pool below.  Safe.

 

Sit like this, oh and don't let your unsupervised, Jansport sized child on it

The lucky few will make it to the bottom for a refreshing splash of over-chlorinated water

Ahh, but despite all the obvious safety concerns at these parks, they do have their strong points.  For instance, throw a terrorist into one, and by the end of their first ride they will be giggling their diaper wearing heads off, ready to stop the Jihad.  "Osama, we got it all wrong, the Americans had it right the whole time.  Let's build water parks in Dubai."

 

That's probably not 3 inches of urine on the ground

So, water parks, global deterrent in the fight against terrorism?  Possibly.  How white people get hurt?  Definitely.

Trying to be Michael Phelps

Let's face it, what Michael Phelps has done in the 2008 Beijing Olympics is nothing short of spectacular.  8 Gold Medals, underpinned by two improbable come from behind victories, is a feat that may never be broken, but alas white parents around the world think their kids can do it.

There is not a sport more white than swimming.  It is a sport where strength and the ability to run, jump, and catch is largely not a factor, and it gives relatively nonathletic white kids the ability to do something, well, athletic!  Hooray!

Picture this hypothetical family if you will.  Johnny is a 9 year old who gets made fun of at school because he can't hit a baseball, can't catch a football, and throws like his sister Jen.  Mom wants Johnny to be popular, Dad wants Johnny to not be a pussy- solution?  Swim Team, yay!  However, his joining of the local aqua geeks won't immediately make Johnny popular (nor will it ever), it will make him a lifelong loser, and the butt of multiple Speedo, banana hammock jokes.  Yet, image conscience pale birds around the country will sign their offspring up for this faux sport, in hopes of their child becoming the next great Olympic champion.  The question is why?

Swimming, unlike other sports, allows its nonathletic looking participants to succeed.   Parents see Phelps as your average 23 year old, who despite being extremely toned, is not the hulking muscle machine that we might see in other sports.  Their kids can easily achieve this look on their boney frames, and on top of that, Phelps loves his Mom, wears his hat backwards, and even has a Facebook account, fanfuckingtastic!  He is essentially every white kid on the face of the earth.  Oh yeah, except for the fact that he has 30 inch legs on a 6'4 body, eats 12,000 calories a day and still doesn't eclipse 200 pounds, swims 50 miles a week, is more dedicated to his craft than maybe any Olympian ever, and has boyish good looks despite the crooked teeth.  Other than that, he is every other white kid.

It is for reasons like this, that parents will push their kids into a sport where success seems so likely, yet fail they will- to recognize all the hard work that goes into the achievements of Olympians- and in doing so will subject their kids to an endless stream of swimming jokes.  And that, is how white kids get hurt.

Throwing up the random gang signs

White people love gang symbols, even if we’re not actually in a gang. The irony is unless it’s true white trash, white people tend to be gangsters rather than in a street gang. But there’s just something quant about throwing up a gang symbol in the middle of a crowded bar. The grouping of twenty something’s mixed with the bad music and alcohol that gives us the irrational sensation that truly this will be the best picture ever taken. The random hand signals or the arm movements that imitate some of the worst scum and villainy in the world; brings an up and down fist pump from the crowd around us and a laugh when posted on Facebook. Clearly it is a foolish custom, but one that some of us hold dear.

However, this can lead to aching consequences when a rival gang mistakes a pallid custom for a threatening gesture. The knifing, the gunning and the raping follow the heated exchange of “What did you say?” Yet it cannot be the burden of ashen people to change their customs any more than Mexican’s to learn the English language. So for those of us boldly holding onto the custom of this generation I offer some points of wisdom.

First before going out make sure you are wearing neutral colors, this will let a rival gang member know that you are aware you’re on his turf. But if you do find yourself accidentally in Crips territory with Blood colors, then take off your shirt and turn it inside out. This shows neutrality without submission. If you happen to be a girl I would recommend taking off your shirt altogether. The aggressor may believe you are a working girl and either leave you alone out of respect for your pimp or try and exchange money for goods and services. Either way you won’t get hurt (unless you’re into that sort of thing) and you might get some money out of the deal.

Hurting your back

     It is a common fear among white folk, the fear of injuring the sacred latissimus dorsi. The agony of the lower back, the days spent sleeping on the floor to straighten it out again. White people fear back pain so much so that we’ve commissioned several government agencies to handle almost exclusively the topic of back pulling prevention.

OSHA mandates that all businesses have signs displayed in their warehouses on proper lifting procedure. In addition health care companies insist that employees wear a special belt to prevent them from incorrect lifting. Let me repeat that again so that the reader can get the full affect. Health care companies mandate that a belt be worn so that white people will lift objects into the air without hurting themselves.  How embarrassing.

People who suffer from back injuries report “excruciating pain” and “agony” from the injury that they have sustained. However, it is important to understand why back injuries can be traced back exclusively to white people and the occasional ethnic albino.  My prime example is Medical News Today's citation of the main reasons doctors give for back injuries.

• Emotional instability

• Lack of physical activity/too much physical activity

• Poor muscle endurance and poor trunk muscle stabilization

• Excessive weight

• Mental fatigue (forgetting to lift properly)

That’s pretty darn white.

Running to catch a train

White people don't have the luxury of traveling with a bookbag to keep all of our daily essentials. We have items which must be properly secured, like laptops, law briefs, and the widgets we sell. So, of course, running for a train with all of these valuables (and our Doc Martin's) makes us more in danger of serious injury.

We like to work our tails off to the point of exhaustion, and so we can show everyone else just how important we are white folks run and push those lower on the socioeconomic scale out of the way (that road can wait to be dug up) as we slice through the train station to catch our Amtrak along the Northeast Corridor.

Minorities generally only travel regional rail because they can't afford Amtrak, and if they miss their train will pobably just skip work for that day just like they bailed on post-required education.

So, white folks take heed, next time you are running to a train, wear your running shoes, because you could get hurt. Oh and don't forget to make it known how necessary your attendance on that train is.

Gas stations…now it’s getting really bad.

      Shortly after pioneering this website with my co-author I began encouraging him to actually do work and start writing articles. So I was excited when finally after some time he told me that he had put up an article, and after logging onto howwhitepeoplegethurt.com I saw the picture to the left that he took with his cell phone, with the caption “Walking Away From Their Car While Pumping Gas.” And that got me thinking, what idiot uses a cell phone while pumping gas? A white idiot that’s who.
 

Obviously, the risks associated with cell phones igniting a gas fire while pumping are limited, but there is still a risk involved. Yet you see white people daily braving the peril of third degree burns and death to pump gas while using their cell phones.
 

     Which leads me to more stupid things white people do while at gas stations. I can fondly remember as a child looking over to the woman next to me while the attendant was pumping her gas. She had her motor running and he was leaning on a pole that said “Fire Marshals Regulations Turn off Motor, No Smoking,” while smoking a cigarette.
 

And how many You Tube videos show a white guy from TX filling up his gas can in the back of his truck and then igniting himself from the static shock? As a youth working my way through college I can remember my landscaping boss telling me it was ok to fill up the lawnmowers directly from the pump because the tires weren’t touching the trailer and therefore I wouldn’t ignite the gas from a static shock. In no way shape or form does that make any sense, and these white self proclaimed hick jack landscapers keep blowing themselves up despite the obvious signs and warning messages that surround them.

Yet, I cannot completely absolve myself of the gas station stupidity that whites (or in my case people of no color) genetically inherent. Two days ago I found a nearby gas station to get some gas and get out of the rain. As I stood in the sideways rain that was soaking me while I pumped gas, I gazed up at the huge metal structure that was there to theoretically keep me out of the rain and thought to myself “It’s a good thing I’m at a gas station, now I won’t get struck by lightning. 

Asking the Rock what heck he is…

White people love to classify, whether it’s true taxonomy or organizing our spices white people love their ducks in a row, and most importantly knowing what color each duck is. That is not to say we are a racial group, but more so a group that loves organization. There was Darwin with his escapades in the Galapagos and Captain Cook with his incessant desire to map the wilderness. White people love to take the things of this messy natural world and put them into a neat and organized little book that tells us where they belong.

 Which leads to a uniquely painful way white people end up hurting themselves, trying to put the Rock into a racial category. Let’s face it, the man is not white, but not exactly black. And in order to properly illustrate the problem I will have to do what all white people do when they cannot explain a situation and need a cheap laugh; cite Family Guy:

Dan LaFontaine: (Picture of Stewie) One's a baby. (Picture of The Rock) and the other's... Black. I think. At least part Black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he- if he's Black it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were 40 years younger I would plow that till next July.

     The plight of the Rock continues for white people everywhere. As we do with any situation we don’t understand, it is accustomed for a white person to obnoxiously go and ask “Rock what the heck are you?” Now I’m not a major fan of WWEF or whatever they are calling professional wrestling these days, but I am sure the Rock can certainly put the hurting on me and my other white brethren. And it does beg the question how many of us are going to watch from the back of a room as the Rock gives someone The People's Elbow, only to walk right up to him like a insect into a bug zapper and ask the same question “Rock what the heck are you? I guess out of all the rambling and Family Guy citations what I am really trying to get at is…I’d do him. 

Walking Away From Their Car While Pumping Gas

Getting tongue stuck on cold flagpole

 

     We’ve all seen it, the iconic movie “A Christmas Story” where Ralphie Parker dares his friend to stick his tongue on a cold flagpole where it gets stuck that’s what she said. We all have been told dozens of times about the dangers of mixing subfreezing temperatures and the flesh of our pallet; and yet for whatever reason white people keep doing it. This is one case that this author personally cannot deny. To make matters worse it was decided that even though the temperature that day was in the 90’s this author was still going to get his tongue stuck to something. In an effort to achieve my position within the ranks of the genetically elect white morons, while still racked with anticipation I put a spoon in the freezer for several hours.

After some time, and with sweaty palms, I took the newly frosted silver spoon and eagerly touched  my tongue to its surface. After a few seconds I tried to see if I could pull my tongue away, and to my surprise I could with very little effort. Along with my spoon came part of my tongue, and for whatever reason I decided to repeat the process two additional times despite the pain.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

The Carpal Tunnel

Carpal Tunnel

It can strike you at anytime (by you I am referring to fishbellies, under the assumption that no other minority, save Asians, have access to a computer during their workday; and Asians work to hard to read this blog anyway). Roughly every white woman I know has at some point claimed to have had “the carpal tunnel.” Typically a white person will bring up the subject at a party¸ or some other type of fishbellie schooling, directly after a horrible catastrophe is discussed.

This can be observed best after the news that Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans. Almost in unison white people great and small began to feel frequent burning, tingling, or itching numbness in the palm of the hand and the fingers, especially the thumb and the index and middle fingers. From Sheppard Smith to Anderson Cooper white people around America began shaking out their wrists at night and taking their Ibuprofen during the day. Even the great W was affected by the guilt and shame and began shaking his wrists in what can only be described as the greatest natural skill attributed to white people, the ability to deflect something terrible and focus on themselves.

How Do White People Get Hurt?

When we here at HWPGH came up with the idea of a blog that details the pitfalls of being a white person, we wanted to call out the unique ways in which only the ivory folk hurt themselves.  Of course, there are exceptions, but for the most part there are certain activities that only white people will hurt themselves doing.  These acknowledgments are not meant to be racist towards minorities, in fact the purpose is quite to the contrary.  The site is meant to make fun of us pale birds, and the ridiculous things we might do.  At the same time, we call out the obvious racist implications that point to a greater social misconceptions.

We hope to convey our thoughts in a humorous manner, but would like to be able to point out the larger issues of the ridiculous white folk, and the social realities that lead to such white-only ridiculousness.

Have Fun.