How White People Get Hurt

Gas stations…now it’s getting really bad.

      Shortly after pioneering this website with my co-author I began encouraging him to actually do work and start writing articles. So I was excited when finally after some time he told me that he had put up an article, and after logging onto howwhitepeoplegethurt.com I saw the picture to the left that he took with his cell phone, with the caption “Walking Away From Their Car While Pumping Gas.” And that got me thinking, what idiot uses a cell phone while pumping gas? A white idiot that’s who.
 

Obviously, the risks associated with cell phones igniting a gas fire while pumping are limited, but there is still a risk involved. Yet you see white people daily braving the peril of third degree burns and death to pump gas while using their cell phones.
 

     Which leads me to more stupid things white people do while at gas stations. I can fondly remember as a child looking over to the woman next to me while the attendant was pumping her gas. She had her motor running and he was leaning on a pole that said “Fire Marshals Regulations Turn off Motor, No Smoking,” while smoking a cigarette.
 

And how many You Tube videos show a white guy from TX filling up his gas can in the back of his truck and then igniting himself from the static shock? As a youth working my way through college I can remember my landscaping boss telling me it was ok to fill up the lawnmowers directly from the pump because the tires weren’t touching the trailer and therefore I wouldn’t ignite the gas from a static shock. In no way shape or form does that make any sense, and these white self proclaimed hick jack landscapers keep blowing themselves up despite the obvious signs and warning messages that surround them.

Yet, I cannot completely absolve myself of the gas station stupidity that whites (or in my case people of no color) genetically inherent. Two days ago I found a nearby gas station to get some gas and get out of the rain. As I stood in the sideways rain that was soaking me while I pumped gas, I gazed up at the huge metal structure that was there to theoretically keep me out of the rain and thought to myself “It’s a good thing I’m at a gas station, now I won’t get struck by lightning. 

Asking the Rock what heck he is…

White people love to classify, whether it’s true taxonomy or organizing our spices white people love their ducks in a row, and most importantly knowing what color each duck is. That is not to say we are a racial group, but more so a group that loves organization. There was Darwin with his escapades in the Galapagos and Captain Cook with his incessant desire to map the wilderness. White people love to take the things of this messy natural world and put them into a neat and organized little book that tells us where they belong.

 Which leads to a uniquely painful way white people end up hurting themselves, trying to put the Rock into a racial category. Let’s face it, the man is not white, but not exactly black. And in order to properly illustrate the problem I will have to do what all white people do when they cannot explain a situation and need a cheap laugh; cite Family Guy:

Dan LaFontaine: (Picture of Stewie) One's a baby. (Picture of The Rock) and the other's... Black. I think. At least part Black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he- if he's Black it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were 40 years younger I would plow that till next July.

     The plight of the Rock continues for white people everywhere. As we do with any situation we don’t understand, it is accustomed for a white person to obnoxiously go and ask “Rock what the heck are you?” Now I’m not a major fan of WWEF or whatever they are calling professional wrestling these days, but I am sure the Rock can certainly put the hurting on me and my other white brethren. And it does beg the question how many of us are going to watch from the back of a room as the Rock gives someone The People's Elbow, only to walk right up to him like a insect into a bug zapper and ask the same question “Rock what the heck are you? I guess out of all the rambling and Family Guy citations what I am really trying to get at is…I’d do him. 

Walking Away From Their Car While Pumping Gas

Getting tongue stuck on cold flagpole

 

     We’ve all seen it, the iconic movie “A Christmas Story” where Ralphie Parker dares his friend to stick his tongue on a cold flagpole where it gets stuck that’s what she said. We all have been told dozens of times about the dangers of mixing subfreezing temperatures and the flesh of our pallet; and yet for whatever reason white people keep doing it. This is one case that this author personally cannot deny. To make matters worse it was decided that even though the temperature that day was in the 90’s this author was still going to get his tongue stuck to something. In an effort to achieve my position within the ranks of the genetically elect white morons, while still racked with anticipation I put a spoon in the freezer for several hours.

After some time, and with sweaty palms, I took the newly frosted silver spoon and eagerly touched  my tongue to its surface. After a few seconds I tried to see if I could pull my tongue away, and to my surprise I could with very little effort. Along with my spoon came part of my tongue, and for whatever reason I decided to repeat the process two additional times despite the pain.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

The Carpal Tunnel

Carpal Tunnel

It can strike you at anytime (by you I am referring to fishbellies, under the assumption that no other minority, save Asians, have access to a computer during their workday; and Asians work to hard to read this blog anyway). Roughly every white woman I know has at some point claimed to have had “the carpal tunnel.” Typically a white person will bring up the subject at a party¸ or some other type of fishbellie schooling, directly after a horrible catastrophe is discussed.

This can be observed best after the news that Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans. Almost in unison white people great and small began to feel frequent burning, tingling, or itching numbness in the palm of the hand and the fingers, especially the thumb and the index and middle fingers. From Sheppard Smith to Anderson Cooper white people around America began shaking out their wrists at night and taking their Ibuprofen during the day. Even the great W was affected by the guilt and shame and began shaking his wrists in what can only be described as the greatest natural skill attributed to white people, the ability to deflect something terrible and focus on themselves.

How Do White People Get Hurt?

When we here at HWPGH came up with the idea of a blog that details the pitfalls of being a white person, we wanted to call out the unique ways in which only the ivory folk hurt themselves.  Of course, there are exceptions, but for the most part there are certain activities that only white people will hurt themselves doing.  These acknowledgments are not meant to be racist towards minorities, in fact the purpose is quite to the contrary.  The site is meant to make fun of us pale birds, and the ridiculous things we might do.  At the same time, we call out the obvious racist implications that point to a greater social misconceptions.

We hope to convey our thoughts in a humorous manner, but would like to be able to point out the larger issues of the ridiculous white folk, and the social realities that lead to such white-only ridiculousness.

Have Fun.