How White People Get Hurt

Water Parks

 

White people have long since enjoyed the mid-summer's escape that is the water park.  There really is nowhere better for parents to take their ivory offspring, than a crowded, bacteria ridden island oasis, filled with other thrill seeking pale birds.

Somewhere in the lineage of brilliant white ideas came the water park.  Ah yes, the plot of land usually situated in a rural area (where the white species typically thrives) filled with poorly maintained, four-story high slides that lead into warm, stagnant, and usually unsupervised tubs of water.  Route to the top?  A 20 minute queue on egregiously unsupported, wet wooden stairs that feature the ability to sway in the slightest of breezes, with gaps in-between each step and loose railings.

Each park features one slide that challenges the laws of physics and has a name like "Shotgun Falls" or "The Plummet".  And upon a recent trip to one of these Aqua Orgies (with 7 drunk white friends, even safer!) I saw a small, unsupervised child, not larger than a medium sized backpack, preparing to take the plunge down one of these gravity rockets that guides riders, who must sit straight back with legs straight (not crossed!) and their hands behind their heads, who are  not (deep breath), pregnant, handicapped, disabled, fat, drunk, high, lactating, suffering from heart disease, midget, deaf, dumb, blind, or asian-  into a not quite deep enough pool below.  Safe.

 

Sit like this, oh and don't let your unsupervised, Jansport sized child on it

The lucky few will make it to the bottom for a refreshing splash of over-chlorinated water

Ahh, but despite all the obvious safety concerns at these parks, they do have their strong points.  For instance, throw a terrorist into one, and by the end of their first ride they will be giggling their diaper wearing heads off, ready to stop the Jihad.  "Osama, we got it all wrong, the Americans had it right the whole time.  Let's build water parks in Dubai."

 

That's probably not 3 inches of urine on the ground

So, water parks, global deterrent in the fight against terrorism?  Possibly.  How white people get hurt?  Definitely.

Trying to be Michael Phelps

Let's face it, what Michael Phelps has done in the 2008 Beijing Olympics is nothing short of spectacular.  8 Gold Medals, underpinned by two improbable come from behind victories, is a feat that may never be broken, but alas white parents around the world think their kids can do it.

There is not a sport more white than swimming.  It is a sport where strength and the ability to run, jump, and catch is largely not a factor, and it gives relatively nonathletic white kids the ability to do something, well, athletic!  Hooray!

Picture this hypothetical family if you will.  Johnny is a 9 year old who gets made fun of at school because he can't hit a baseball, can't catch a football, and throws like his sister Jen.  Mom wants Johnny to be popular, Dad wants Johnny to not be a pussy- solution?  Swim Team, yay!  However, his joining of the local aqua geeks won't immediately make Johnny popular (nor will it ever), it will make him a lifelong loser, and the butt of multiple Speedo, banana hammock jokes.  Yet, image conscience pale birds around the country will sign their offspring up for this faux sport, in hopes of their child becoming the next great Olympic champion.  The question is why?

Swimming, unlike other sports, allows its nonathletic looking participants to succeed.   Parents see Phelps as your average 23 year old, who despite being extremely toned, is not the hulking muscle machine that we might see in other sports.  Their kids can easily achieve this look on their boney frames, and on top of that, Phelps loves his Mom, wears his hat backwards, and even has a Facebook account, fanfuckingtastic!  He is essentially every white kid on the face of the earth.  Oh yeah, except for the fact that he has 30 inch legs on a 6'4 body, eats 12,000 calories a day and still doesn't eclipse 200 pounds, swims 50 miles a week, is more dedicated to his craft than maybe any Olympian ever, and has boyish good looks despite the crooked teeth.  Other than that, he is every other white kid.

It is for reasons like this, that parents will push their kids into a sport where success seems so likely, yet fail they will- to recognize all the hard work that goes into the achievements of Olympians- and in doing so will subject their kids to an endless stream of swimming jokes.  And that, is how white kids get hurt.

Throwing up the random gang signs

White people love gang symbols, even if we’re not actually in a gang. The irony is unless it’s true white trash, white people tend to be gangsters rather than in a street gang. But there’s just something quant about throwing up a gang symbol in the middle of a crowded bar. The grouping of twenty something’s mixed with the bad music and alcohol that gives us the irrational sensation that truly this will be the best picture ever taken. The random hand signals or the arm movements that imitate some of the worst scum and villainy in the world; brings an up and down fist pump from the crowd around us and a laugh when posted on Facebook. Clearly it is a foolish custom, but one that some of us hold dear.

However, this can lead to aching consequences when a rival gang mistakes a pallid custom for a threatening gesture. The knifing, the gunning and the raping follow the heated exchange of “What did you say?” Yet it cannot be the burden of ashen people to change their customs any more than Mexican’s to learn the English language. So for those of us boldly holding onto the custom of this generation I offer some points of wisdom.

First before going out make sure you are wearing neutral colors, this will let a rival gang member know that you are aware you’re on his turf. But if you do find yourself accidentally in Crips territory with Blood colors, then take off your shirt and turn it inside out. This shows neutrality without submission. If you happen to be a girl I would recommend taking off your shirt altogether. The aggressor may believe you are a working girl and either leave you alone out of respect for your pimp or try and exchange money for goods and services. Either way you won’t get hurt (unless you’re into that sort of thing) and you might get some money out of the deal.

Hurting your back

     It is a common fear among white folk, the fear of injuring the sacred latissimus dorsi. The agony of the lower back, the days spent sleeping on the floor to straighten it out again. White people fear back pain so much so that we’ve commissioned several government agencies to handle almost exclusively the topic of back pulling prevention.

OSHA mandates that all businesses have signs displayed in their warehouses on proper lifting procedure. In addition health care companies insist that employees wear a special belt to prevent them from incorrect lifting. Let me repeat that again so that the reader can get the full affect. Health care companies mandate that a belt be worn so that white people will lift objects into the air without hurting themselves.  How embarrassing.

People who suffer from back injuries report “excruciating pain” and “agony” from the injury that they have sustained. However, it is important to understand why back injuries can be traced back exclusively to white people and the occasional ethnic albino.  My prime example is Medical News Today's citation of the main reasons doctors give for back injuries.

• Emotional instability

• Lack of physical activity/too much physical activity

• Poor muscle endurance and poor trunk muscle stabilization

• Excessive weight

• Mental fatigue (forgetting to lift properly)

That’s pretty darn white.

Running to catch a train

White people don't have the luxury of traveling with a bookbag to keep all of our daily essentials. We have items which must be properly secured, like laptops, law briefs, and the widgets we sell. So, of course, running for a train with all of these valuables (and our Doc Martin's) makes us more in danger of serious injury.

We like to work our tails off to the point of exhaustion, and so we can show everyone else just how important we are white folks run and push those lower on the socioeconomic scale out of the way (that road can wait to be dug up) as we slice through the train station to catch our Amtrak along the Northeast Corridor.

Minorities generally only travel regional rail because they can't afford Amtrak, and if they miss their train will pobably just skip work for that day just like they bailed on post-required education.

So, white folks take heed, next time you are running to a train, wear your running shoes, because you could get hurt. Oh and don't forget to make it known how necessary your attendance on that train is.