How White People Get Hurt

Trying to be Michael Phelps

Let's face it, what Michael Phelps has done in the 2008 Beijing Olympics is nothing short of spectacular.  8 Gold Medals, underpinned by two improbable come from behind victories, is a feat that may never be broken, but alas white parents around the world think their kids can do it.

There is not a sport more white than swimming.  It is a sport where strength and the ability to run, jump, and catch is largely not a factor, and it gives relatively nonathletic white kids the ability to do something, well, athletic!  Hooray!

Picture this hypothetical family if you will.  Johnny is a 9 year old who gets made fun of at school because he can't hit a baseball, can't catch a football, and throws like his sister Jen.  Mom wants Johnny to be popular, Dad wants Johnny to not be a pussy- solution?  Swim Team, yay!  However, his joining of the local aqua geeks won't immediately make Johnny popular (nor will it ever), it will make him a lifelong loser, and the butt of multiple Speedo, banana hammock jokes.  Yet, image conscience pale birds around the country will sign their offspring up for this faux sport, in hopes of their child becoming the next great Olympic champion.  The question is why?

Swimming, unlike other sports, allows its nonathletic looking participants to succeed.   Parents see Phelps as your average 23 year old, who despite being extremely toned, is not the hulking muscle machine that we might see in other sports.  Their kids can easily achieve this look on their boney frames, and on top of that, Phelps loves his Mom, wears his hat backwards, and even has a Facebook account, fanfuckingtastic!  He is essentially every white kid on the face of the earth.  Oh yeah, except for the fact that he has 30 inch legs on a 6'4 body, eats 12,000 calories a day and still doesn't eclipse 200 pounds, swims 50 miles a week, is more dedicated to his craft than maybe any Olympian ever, and has boyish good looks despite the crooked teeth.  Other than that, he is every other white kid.

It is for reasons like this, that parents will push their kids into a sport where success seems so likely, yet fail they will- to recognize all the hard work that goes into the achievements of Olympians- and in doing so will subject their kids to an endless stream of swimming jokes.  And that, is how white kids get hurt.

Running to catch a train

White people don't have the luxury of traveling with a bookbag to keep all of our daily essentials. We have items which must be properly secured, like laptops, law briefs, and the widgets we sell. So, of course, running for a train with all of these valuables (and our Doc Martin's) makes us more in danger of serious injury.

We like to work our tails off to the point of exhaustion, and so we can show everyone else just how important we are white folks run and push those lower on the socioeconomic scale out of the way (that road can wait to be dug up) as we slice through the train station to catch our Amtrak along the Northeast Corridor.

Minorities generally only travel regional rail because they can't afford Amtrak, and if they miss their train will pobably just skip work for that day just like they bailed on post-required education.

So, white folks take heed, next time you are running to a train, wear your running shoes, because you could get hurt. Oh and don't forget to make it known how necessary your attendance on that train is.